just sitting down to enjoy golden girls and hoping for a semi relaxing day around the house for once (life has been MEGA stressful for me of late & i just want some quiet & some time to just sit & such) and i hear the door bell ring...and i pause for a second because i thought it was on the show but i realize, no there's no door bell in this scene...
so i throw my robe on and i go out to answer the door & its the defense attorney for the asshole who ran over my neighbor and his investigator, wanting to talk to me. I told them i REALLY don't want to talk to them and they ask if there is a time when would be better, i tell them i'll have to check my schedule. I close the door, come back & stare at the calendar for a moment trying to remember when blaine's got class & when he hasn't, i told him that i might be available friday and he was really adamant about wanting to talk to me, commented on my sign on my door and told me 'were not trying to solicite we're just trying to do our jobs' (that makes me want to SCREAM AT HIM...YOUR JOB??? YOUR JOB IS TO STAND UP FOR MURDERS & TRY & GET THEM OFF!!! FUCK YOUR JOB! YOU"RE STANDING UP FOR THE MAN WHO RAN SOMEONE DOWN & SHOWS NO REMORSE & YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU???? FUCK YOU!). i don't think i HAVE to talk to them if i don't want to but i'm wondering if i do if it will get him to force the guy to plead.
I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! i just didn't want to have to thinka bout this at all today, WHY CAN"T IT JUST GO AWAY!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Ass kicking dreams
had dreams all last night that i was kicking peoples asses. A LOT of peoples, and all people who are well over due for an ass kicking delivered by yours truly.
People like my brothers & parents, people who used to push me around when i was young, the da, basically anyone who ever treated me like shit...ya know, the people who have made me what i am today (a barely in touch nutter who is functional enough NOT to fly off the handle and actually act on these impulses, but too unhinged to function in society).
it was fairly theraputic, kind of like my own personal episode of JTHM. Like i said, its nothing i'd ever actually act on, but indulging in a little mental fantasy about doing so is healthy...
*steel toed boot to aaron's groin* just because you're bigger than me DOESN"T mean i can't drop your ass and futher more it DOESN"T mean that you scare me.
*sharp blow to jason's solar plexus* thats for the time that YOU flipped out and YOU lost control & tried to kill me you worthless sack of human waste
*serious punishment delivered to my controlling mothers smug bitch face* you vowed not to turn into your mother & YET LOOK WHAT HAPPENED YOU CONTROLLING HARPY!
*decent kick in the ass delivered to don* YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR ME MORE! i don't care if i wasn't YOUR blood child, YOU were the father figure & SHOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE IT!!
*tie grandma to a chair & explain to her one point at a time HOW she fucked up and WHY i'm so screwed up...IT WAS LARGELY YOUR FAULT! you & mother & aunt suzzane trying to turn me into a 50's sitcom house wife FUCK YOU ALL*
i feel REALLY sorry for the poor son of a bitch who decides to push me to far & too hard some day, because when you have this ammount of bottled & distilled rage caused by PTSD all it takes is a little push too far, a little too much preasure and KABOOM! we explode...do you know what happens then? the provoker then takes on the image of EVER face thats ever laughed at your or mocked you, the voice of ever unkind abusive word that was ever shouted in your ear, they morph into a mass of ever one who ever did something to get you to that point...and then...they become an ephigy which you BURN!...more like beat into a bloody mass on the pavement...
i don't like the idea of being that kind of person but nonetheless forces beyond my control have brought me to this point...all i can do is hold myself back, this is why i stay home most of the time of late, because i feel myself getting too close to that point too often and i can't let myself loose it and get pushed that far because then you've simply become another one of them...'you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan' i was never much of a hero, but with each passing day i feel a bit more villified...'what doesn't kill you simply makes you stranger' and if thats not true i don't know what is.
People like my brothers & parents, people who used to push me around when i was young, the da, basically anyone who ever treated me like shit...ya know, the people who have made me what i am today (a barely in touch nutter who is functional enough NOT to fly off the handle and actually act on these impulses, but too unhinged to function in society).
it was fairly theraputic, kind of like my own personal episode of JTHM. Like i said, its nothing i'd ever actually act on, but indulging in a little mental fantasy about doing so is healthy...
*steel toed boot to aaron's groin* just because you're bigger than me DOESN"T mean i can't drop your ass and futher more it DOESN"T mean that you scare me.
*sharp blow to jason's solar plexus* thats for the time that YOU flipped out and YOU lost control & tried to kill me you worthless sack of human waste
*serious punishment delivered to my controlling mothers smug bitch face* you vowed not to turn into your mother & YET LOOK WHAT HAPPENED YOU CONTROLLING HARPY!
*decent kick in the ass delivered to don* YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR ME MORE! i don't care if i wasn't YOUR blood child, YOU were the father figure & SHOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE IT!!
*tie grandma to a chair & explain to her one point at a time HOW she fucked up and WHY i'm so screwed up...IT WAS LARGELY YOUR FAULT! you & mother & aunt suzzane trying to turn me into a 50's sitcom house wife FUCK YOU ALL*
i feel REALLY sorry for the poor son of a bitch who decides to push me to far & too hard some day, because when you have this ammount of bottled & distilled rage caused by PTSD all it takes is a little push too far, a little too much preasure and KABOOM! we explode...do you know what happens then? the provoker then takes on the image of EVER face thats ever laughed at your or mocked you, the voice of ever unkind abusive word that was ever shouted in your ear, they morph into a mass of ever one who ever did something to get you to that point...and then...they become an ephigy which you BURN!...more like beat into a bloody mass on the pavement...
i don't like the idea of being that kind of person but nonetheless forces beyond my control have brought me to this point...all i can do is hold myself back, this is why i stay home most of the time of late, because i feel myself getting too close to that point too often and i can't let myself loose it and get pushed that far because then you've simply become another one of them...'you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan' i was never much of a hero, but with each passing day i feel a bit more villified...'what doesn't kill you simply makes you stranger' and if thats not true i don't know what is.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Anxiety
Been up since 6am again, woke up & couldn't get back to sleep. Spent the whole night having anxiety dreams/nightmares, woke up at 6 feeling like someone had been trying to tear my arms off all night (slept on them wrong).
one of the dreams was of one of the family trips i took to the coast when i was in high school, we went the wrong direction because my parents thought New Port was near Astoria (WRONG) and didn't bother to check their assumption with a map before hand, we spent an entire afternoon driving along a winding, cliff faced, coastal highway (a NIGHTMARE for me, i don't like the ocean or heights, or precarious roads) so that was a pleasant memory/dream as you can imagine.
The rest of them were, naturally, about the court case, the asshole DA, etc. I DESPERATELY wish i could close my eyes & just make it all go away. I don't want to deal with it and i'm not coping at all well with it. Some of them were about school, i don't know WHAT i'm thinking even considering taking classes at a location out on barbur blvd. of all places (especially NIGHT COURSES, ah HELL NO). trying to find a college that will allow me to take the career step distance learning course & pay for it with my pell grant, otherwise i guess i'll just take classes at PCC...though that wont get me a job. *sigh*
I'm terribly depressed and I'm home alone today...and it doesn't appear as though anyone is online to talk to.
Trying to talk blaine into moving early & having amber find roommates to replace us so we don't have to break the lease, i need OUT OF HERE. I wish we were still considering Canada, it felt like it held so much promise, but blaine doesn't want to go and gods knows i can't get by without him (and he can't get by any better without me) *sigh* I just want out.
one of the dreams was of one of the family trips i took to the coast when i was in high school, we went the wrong direction because my parents thought New Port was near Astoria (WRONG) and didn't bother to check their assumption with a map before hand, we spent an entire afternoon driving along a winding, cliff faced, coastal highway (a NIGHTMARE for me, i don't like the ocean or heights, or precarious roads) so that was a pleasant memory/dream as you can imagine.
The rest of them were, naturally, about the court case, the asshole DA, etc. I DESPERATELY wish i could close my eyes & just make it all go away. I don't want to deal with it and i'm not coping at all well with it. Some of them were about school, i don't know WHAT i'm thinking even considering taking classes at a location out on barbur blvd. of all places (especially NIGHT COURSES, ah HELL NO). trying to find a college that will allow me to take the career step distance learning course & pay for it with my pell grant, otherwise i guess i'll just take classes at PCC...though that wont get me a job. *sigh*
I'm terribly depressed and I'm home alone today...and it doesn't appear as though anyone is online to talk to.
Trying to talk blaine into moving early & having amber find roommates to replace us so we don't have to break the lease, i need OUT OF HERE. I wish we were still considering Canada, it felt like it held so much promise, but blaine doesn't want to go and gods knows i can't get by without him (and he can't get by any better without me) *sigh* I just want out.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Yay Gov. Money!
I got my FAFSA all filled out & filed last night, its a LOT easier when you don't have to fill out the all the bullshit info about your damn parents. Turns out i'm eligible for a Pell Grant, which means i should be able to cover all my tuition costs.
I'm applying to attend the College of Legal Arts to get my certification as a medical transcriptionist, should take about 6-10 months of classes. I have a meeting Tuesday afternoon with the dean & then financial aide to get all my paper work sorted, classes start in November, i'm so excited. I haven't been in school in 6 years, it will be nice.
Once i get certified & get a job i can start taking other classes through PCC or possibly even PSU and learn some other stuff i want to pick up (like Arabic & brushing up on my French & Spanish).
I'm applying to attend the College of Legal Arts to get my certification as a medical transcriptionist, should take about 6-10 months of classes. I have a meeting Tuesday afternoon with the dean & then financial aide to get all my paper work sorted, classes start in November, i'm so excited. I haven't been in school in 6 years, it will be nice.
Once i get certified & get a job i can start taking other classes through PCC or possibly even PSU and learn some other stuff i want to pick up (like Arabic & brushing up on my French & Spanish).
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Love...
I love my partner Blaine very much, he's the most amazing person i could have ever hoped to meet & be with. We've been together for just over 4 years now, he takes care of me, he loves me & makes me feel needed.
unfortunately the events of this summer have complicated my relationship with him. Due to my prior abandonment issues & the fact that he didn't answer his phone when i called him after the accident made me feel more abandoned (and slightly resentful of the fact that he wasn't there when i needed him more than anything or anyone...there is nothing that can be done to change that fact or its effects and its something that has definitely made things more complicated).
then there is the fact that he really REALLY doesn't want to go/move out of Portland where as i REALLY REALLY do at this point (that may change over the course of the year, we'll see what happens) which complicates things further because if i still want to leave at the end of the year & he doesn't i'll likely end up feeling at least slightly resentful for staying and he will resent me if i make us move.
I wont let this unfortunate curve ball fate has thrown at us end our relationship, the one needs the other just as much as the other needs him, he keeps me safe & a roof over my head and i keep his life & affairs in order and out of chaos & disarray; a better matched pair of disfunctional souls there is not.
unfortunately the events of this summer have complicated my relationship with him. Due to my prior abandonment issues & the fact that he didn't answer his phone when i called him after the accident made me feel more abandoned (and slightly resentful of the fact that he wasn't there when i needed him more than anything or anyone...there is nothing that can be done to change that fact or its effects and its something that has definitely made things more complicated).
then there is the fact that he really REALLY doesn't want to go/move out of Portland where as i REALLY REALLY do at this point (that may change over the course of the year, we'll see what happens) which complicates things further because if i still want to leave at the end of the year & he doesn't i'll likely end up feeling at least slightly resentful for staying and he will resent me if i make us move.
I wont let this unfortunate curve ball fate has thrown at us end our relationship, the one needs the other just as much as the other needs him, he keeps me safe & a roof over my head and i keep his life & affairs in order and out of chaos & disarray; a better matched pair of disfunctional souls there is not.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Oh Canada...No Canada?
With all thats happened to me since mid summer i've been feeling an inescapable urge to get away for a while. When this came up at the end of last week my partner sugested that perhaps we could move to Vancouver BC Canada, he could attend the med. school there (one he'd been considering anyway) and we could live in a pleasant environment with a fairly car free infrastructure. I am very keen on the idea.
Today, after a long & emotionally exhausting afternoon, he finally tells me that he isn't as fond of the idea of leaving Portland as he thought he would be and he wants to stay.
I am still quite keen on the idea of leaving, i may end up staying though and just relocating to somewhere else in town...at this point i feel i'd rather have a greater change in my scenery, i guess we'll see how the year progresses...
Today, after a long & emotionally exhausting afternoon, he finally tells me that he isn't as fond of the idea of leaving Portland as he thought he would be and he wants to stay.
I am still quite keen on the idea of leaving, i may end up staying though and just relocating to somewhere else in town...at this point i feel i'd rather have a greater change in my scenery, i guess we'll see how the year progresses...
Meeting with the DA
went in and met with the DA about the trail for the murder i witnessed in July. Frankly he was a bit brash & i felt rather bullied and i came down & completely fell apart as i haven't been sleeping well (for obvious reasons) and i'm exhausted & over loaded and just generally not coping well with life at all.
once i finished falling apart i pulled myself back together & I am not sorting through my photos from this morning's outing to the farmer's market, i will post photos to share later.
I think next meeting i have with the DA i will arrange for my therapist to be there as well, i'm not letting him push my buttons like that again, i know sympathy doesn't come naturally to personality types like that but i deserve a bit more consideration...i wasn't all there to begin with, never have been, i was barely keeping my life together as it was and over the last year i had finally made some genuine progress toward becoming a more functional human being, then this asshole comes speeding down powell blvd on my way home one night, and in the process of killing one of my neighbors he snags the loos threads by which my life was precariously held together and pulls all the stitches out...my stuffins gone.
once i finished falling apart i pulled myself back together & I am not sorting through my photos from this morning's outing to the farmer's market, i will post photos to share later.
I think next meeting i have with the DA i will arrange for my therapist to be there as well, i'm not letting him push my buttons like that again, i know sympathy doesn't come naturally to personality types like that but i deserve a bit more consideration...i wasn't all there to begin with, never have been, i was barely keeping my life together as it was and over the last year i had finally made some genuine progress toward becoming a more functional human being, then this asshole comes speeding down powell blvd on my way home one night, and in the process of killing one of my neighbors he snags the loos threads by which my life was precariously held together and pulls all the stitches out...my stuffins gone.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
My Flickr Page
Link to my online photo portfolio hosted by Flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/41533655@N07/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/41533655@N07/
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