amusing how she never realized...

my friend came over to stay the night last night because she just broke up with her fiance a few days ago and didn't want to be alone.  So we sat up until 3am, she had some wine & we smoked and sat around shooting the shit and playing nintendo etc.  gave her a melatonin to help her sleep because she hadn't slept in two days (stuff works like a charm).
anyway, one of the stories i was telling her last night was about the time in 2006 when i went to one last 'family' thanksgiving with my relatives.  blaine & i had been down stairs shooting pool in my grandparents basement & we heard drinks were being served now, so we went upstairs to check out our options.  I wanted something hard but all they had was jack or pendleton whiskey, so i decided to try some jack.  my uncle asks how i take that, neat or one the rocks and i tell him neat.  my grandmother interjects 'you should really have some ice in that' 'nah, i prefer mine straight' grandma interjects again 'you REALLY should have it on the rocks' and for the first time in my life i very gently told my grandmother off 'grandma i know how i like my whiskey, and i like my whiskey neat' and went back to my pool game.  but the look on her face was priceless, you'd think i'd just reached across the table & backhanded her.  amazingly she bit her tongue and didn't make a fuss about it (not while i was there anyway).  that year blaine & i had driven to the gathering in our rental car to drive home the point that my mother had made.  she had told grandma to mind her manners and bite her tongue or i WOULD leave the party, i was an adult now and i DID NOT have to be there, i had graciously chosen to join them for dinner and if she couldn't be civil i COULD and WOULD leave....the most amusing an ironic thing about what my mother did here is: she didn't seem to realize, that applied to my relationship with HER & DON too!  I'm an adult now and i DO NOT have to maintain contact with anyone i DO NOT wish to be in contact with...sucks to be you don't it bitch?

go away world

i HAVE to go get my passport papers turned in TODAY or they're not going to get processed in time for our trip next month.  I just REALLY REALLY don't feel like leaving the house today.  I have a few things i need to get at the store too, but like i said, i don't feel like going out & dealing with the world today. 
I've been up since 8 and i still haven't even eaten breakfast today, just don't have much appetite of late...its probably a cross between teh depression and whatever thsi cold/flu thing i have is.  Talk about being wore out, coffee can't even get me moving.  I've had coffee the last two days only to go to bed a few hours later & sleep ALL night (only getting up in the middle of the night long enough to pee, then passing back out), just exhausted.
It was foggy this morning and i thought, wow what a great setting to go to the cemetery & get photos in...too bad i don't feel like going anywhere.  Since i HAVE to get my papers in TODAY i'm trying to come up with something else i can do while i'm out that will make it feel more worth while.  If i don't i don't get vacation but, frankly, at the moment it feels like the best sort of vacation would be if i could just power down for a while, turn the machine off for a week & have like a 5000 mile service check up, saddly it doesn't work like that when your machine is organic.  *sigh*

pleasant afternoon

had my neice over for a couple hours this afternoon with Inga, she's a surprisingly pleasant child to be around.  And, as i always say, she's so smart.  She just blows me away with how brilliant & incredibly intillectually curious she is.  Today she sat down at the table across from me and was petting our cat Sink, and she turns to me and asks 'where's the new kitty?' and i tell her morpheus went back outside.  She then says 'two outside?' and i'm just astounded, 'thats right cassidy, very good.  i have three kitties, and one is inside and two are outside.  you're so smart'.  positive renforcement of this sort of behavior is VITAL! she's gonna be so smart when she gets older :) (she's SMART now :D).  And NO her dad is NOT sending her out to bum fuck no where middle america to visit baby mama, if she wants to see the kid she can come here.  what are we stupid? you want us to send her to you so you can undo the potty training and the reading and the math? fuck you bitch :P if you REALLY want to see her YOU will make the effort and COME SEE HER (not vice versa...because, and this is true, the kid REALLY doesn't miss you...which is kind of sad but i feel NO sympathy for the bitch, she's just like my mother on a lot of levels and is absolutely useless as a human being). 
All in all it was a very enjoyable afternoon with the kid over, she was trying to wrestle me while i was sitting on the floor, once she warms up to me when she comes over she loves to come give me hugs and sit in my lap and talk to me.  She's a good kid and i LOATHE her mother for ignoring this AMAZING INCREDIBLE little person...i DON"T understand how people like that can IGNORE and look RIGHT PAST this incredible GIFT they've been given (and this is coming from someone who doesn't like kids)...i just don't get it.
We get along really well because she reminds me a lot of me at that age, lot of the same mannerisms, same sort of abandoment issues & similar emotional baggage.  She was having a shy day when she first arrived and inga told her she was being silly because she was all excited to be coming over.  She seemed to have a good time while she was here.  She's generally really well behaved and between inga & i she's VERY easy to keep an eye on.  Gave her hugs when she was heading out and told her i'll see her next week hopefully.  Its nice to know she likes me :)

Feel Good...

I'm feeling pretty ok today.  Had coffee yesterday afternoon and wasn't expecting to sleep well at all but i woke up mid way through the night (as expected) and went right back to sleep afterward & didn't get up until 8:30.  So i got some decent sleep in me. 
Missed the bus to my chiropractic appointment yesterday and had to reschedule for next week, kind of a drag.  However, over the course of the several months that this problem with my neck has been burdening me i have become intimately familiar with the workings of my body in that area and have finally pin pointed the area where the tension collects & causes problems and have also devised a way i can work the tension out with the assistance of blaine (it involves me laying on the floor like roadkill and having him press on my shoulders while i rotate the sockets back into place, painful but effective).  Last night i finally made enough progress that i can yawn unubstructed again :D (you never realize how much you take something like a satisfying yawn for granted until you can't do it comfortably :P).
before showering this morning i did my 175 situps & backlifts and stretches, then i did the dishes & cleaned the kitchen while i waited for my rice to finish cooking.  I'm taking a breakfast break before i vacuum.  I'm hoping Inga & Cassidy will come for  a visit today so i want the house to be clean.  I want to bake cassidy cookies later :) considering introducing her to duck hunt on the original NES since inga doesn't have one. :)
I noticed that my bedroom smelled like cornchips & sweat this morning so i cracked the window & lit a stick of incense, now the nag, the rain and the general masculine smell of the room combined with the lingering smell of pot, it smells JUST like my aunt Jo's house in canada :D (kevin's room always had such a pleasant smell & energy to it & i later realized after i started smoking WHAT that special smell was :D).  YAY for a pleasantly fragrant house :).

painful days

between the preasure system, my fibromyalgia and my head cold i am in an excessive ammount of pain so this post will be short.
everything hurts and i'm angry because i'm in so much pain i can't do anything (this is painful to type & use the mouse, i've been doing computer use in 5min bursts very rarely throughout the day)...damn this is frustrating, i feel like i should be doing more, i have a lot to do and i can't do any of it...gonna go lay back down :(

Emotional Weight Lifiting

As i have been feeling horendously and rather soul crushingly depressed of late and as i am alone at home all day today, i decided to watch a couple of tear jerker movies to help me exhaust some of my excess sad.  I'm tired of venting it to my friends because then they get upset that they can't do anything to make it better and it just adds more fuel to my sad tank until i'm drowning in my own emotions (quite literally). 
So i started with the two part golden girls episode form season 5 'sick & tired' in which Dorothy is diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (same thing i have) that helped a bit.  Then i moved on to '10 things i hate about you' i don't know why but this one always makes me tear up off & on throughout...makes me sentimental or something i guess, i honestly don't know.  But it wasn't quite pulling the right strings hard enough, so i was thinking to myself 'what do i have thats really REALLY sad, like heart breakingly sad' then it hit me...watch 'Broke Back Mountain' you haven't seen it yet and you KNOW its a tear jerker.  So i did...and i reviewed on my twitter as i went (i'm a geek, i'm a home body, i have no life no more, it amused me so sue me lol)
Tear jerker is the BIGGEST understatement of the millenium...the movie was beautifully crafty, thought provoking, honest, and it makes you feel like someone reached into your rib cage and ripped your heart out then stomped on it with stilletos, picked what was left up and put it into a blender and hit frape' (at least that was the effect i got) it was SOOOOO heart breakingly sad. 
I understand why they had that fight they did, its easier as a man to react with anger than acknowledge that you feel weak and vulnerable and that you're scared...i know that (i've been on both sides of the fence).  What i just don't understand about the world then (or the world now) is why can't ya just let us alone? why can't we have our happy endings? how is my loving my partner as much as you love yours (or more) ANY threat to you?  the cognitive disonense on this issue has always just completely dumb founded me.
On a positive note, after crying my guts out over this HEART BREAKING tragic gay love story, i am feeling significantly better.  I REALLY needed to get all those tears out.  Most people think i'm weird for it but you NEED to cry and when you can't get it to come out on its one, i use a tear jerker of some variety to spur it on...its healthy, its theraputic, and it helps keep you from getting ulcers like i developed in my teen years because i DIDN'T vent my emotions often enough, it eats you from the inside out litterally.
On a further positive note, the court dude who delivers subpeanoas just dropped by and according to him they drag their feet and drag their feet and 90% of the time they end up pleaing out, it takes about 6 months and they fuck everyones life up in the process but they almost ALWAYS plead out.  and this guy is the same one whos delivered my last subpeanoas and he's very compastionate & kind (and not bad looking...reminds me of detective John Munch in his appearance & mannerisms slightly) he's a nice man.  I told him that the DA had told me they have a meeting tomorrow to see if they can swing a plea so hopefully i'll get word here early next week that they have, otherwise WHOOPEE i get to go to court (there will be HELL TO PAY if i have to...may this guy never sleep peacefully again in his life, but we've already sent as much of that one his way as possible...he'll get his, karma just takes time).
and now i think i may go out for a little while, i need to get some wine to try & lure & kill some gnats, gods they're annoying, and once they get into your kitchen its hard to get rid of the fuckers GODS!

healthy emotions...

now that i've ranted a bit (previous post) and watched the episode 'sick & tired' of golden girls, where Dorothy is diagnosed with the same disease i have Fibromyalgia (they call it chronic fatigue syndrome in the episode but its the same thing) and had a couple good tear ups because i know EXACTLY what it is like to sit there and have the doctor act like you're making it up, like you're some sort of hypochondriatic neurotic and tell you 'well you shouldn't be this sore so clearly you're not ACTUALLY this sore, you're just making it up and/or its all in your head' instead of what they SHOULD be saying which is 'sorry, i'm not sure whats causing you this pain, we can't identify the problem/source and until we can you will just have to try & adapt your life to living with it. rest when you need to, eat healthy, exercise & stretch often, try to eliminate stress when possible...generally take as good a care of yourself as possible & adapt your life to your new circumstances' if they would say that we would be SOOOOO relieved, we would feel so much better.  At leas you wouldn't be making us feel like we're more insane than we really are.  I also know what its like to have the doctor just dismiss you like you're wasting their precious time just because THEY can't identify whats wrong with you...you NEVER blame the victim, thats a BIG no no.
I've decided that since Blaine has long class today and wont be back until after 4pm i'm going to watch a few tear jerker movies and have some good crying because all this sad needs to get vented or i'm litterally GONNA EXPLODE.  I'm so upset, sad, depressed & distressed that if i don't get some of it out i'm gonna start lashing out at the slightest provocation, and thats NEVER good (especially when i don't have a good handle on myself to begin with).  So i'm gonna go pick some nice sad movies to  enjoy and curl up and vent some of this excess.
on a side note i DESPERATELY need software that will allow me to speak into a mic and it will type what i'm saying, anyone know of such software? because my arthritis is getting so bad that i have SERIOUS trouble typing but its such a vital part of my day to day (its vital part of most peoples day to day)...damn my arms & wrists :(

You don't know how it feels...

My mother used to tell me that the following was a cop out but I disagree:
YOU DON'T KNOW how it feels, to be me!
She understood even less then than she would now so its really a mootpoint, but its true...the world has no idea what its like to be Lysander D. DeLancey & company, you can't even imagine what its like.
Like the childhood trauma wasn't enough, I'm back at square one on a lot of levels, back where i was back then, at least i understand the motivations for my actions now...i know WHY i'm angry & feel like lashing out all the time...i'm tiny & helpless, powerless and terrified and i can't do ANYTHING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION...do you know what that feels like? to be powerless? truly powerless...
'open your eyes little darlin, i like to see your face' as you violate me...someone i was supposed to trust, is it any wonder i have NO trust of authoritarian figures?  because the figures we're supposed to TRUST always stab us in the back in painful unbelievably cruel ways...
as though the night terrors & panic attacks i suffer from that aren't enough, now this...new trauma, fresh & raw & bleeding out on the sidewalk forcing yet another sever emotional & psychological detour in my life...more voices without a corporial source, more noise, more static, more pain...the pain never goes away...everything hurts, vessel, mind and soul...alone and painful, no ointment for these sort of tears.
and everyone says 'i wish there was more i could do' you and the rest of the fucking world, you an everyone else...you all have the luxury of forgetting its happened, you don't have to think about it when all you can do is sit in bed or around the house because your body aches too much to do anything useful, and you just sit about wasting away feeling like a useless leach on those who love you...undeserving, or feeling that way though we don't know why...though we do, its because our family always made us out to be the least deserving, why should you get X what have YOU DONE to deserve it?? but what did they do to deserve anything they claim to have right to? i'd like to know...
alone, not unloved, just very alone...you don't know how it feels...people can sympathis but they can't empathize and thats what i need more than anything, i need someone else who has seen similar to what i have seen, knows what the terrors & the PTSD is like...do you know what its like to be terrified to leave your home...i thought i was finally past this and now i'm right back here again...the internal conflict within me even greater than it was before...go out, stay in, you have things to do, but i'm in pain, you have errands to run, but i'm afraid of the vehicles that crawl about the roads like 2ton metalic behemouths of death...private vehicles all carry an aura of death these days, the all seem to have that black halo about them, they're bad news of the worst kind...WHAT gives you the entitlement to posess such a deadly weapon? WHY?
I feel completely alone in this world and to a significant degree i want out...a fair portion of me is out there in the ether on vacation somewhere, how i wish i could join up with them...those who can't cope have taken leave of our senses and will return when things have settled down...i'm not at all myself(selves)...all out of sorts...roll call- Tina (basically embodiment of rage & self loathing, 'you're worthless & a leach etc'), Xen (buddhist, optimist, semi stoic, calm but not take charge enough to run the show), Johnny & Jack (hommicidal urge & the berserk jester of doom), Christi (an 8yr old girl, terrified, alone, powerless, meek, in desperate need of a puppy because our damn kitty doesn't ever want to spend time with us *pout* that fact isn't helping me at all), Monk/Pill-Z/Woody (OCD, cleaning, mania...usually caffine induced), Edgar (angst, goth, survidor of Anubis, dark & morbid humor, darker creative force), Fawkes (angry brit punk), KoKo (still wanders through ocassionally but is mostly on vacation...flaming latin fag, GAY, colorful, enjoys dance & bright colors...think like extremely gay latin candy kid), Bobby (Canuck...laid back, still doesn't have much of a voice, he's new...he hates america & americans and their way of life).  Most of my femimine personas have jumped ship (specifically the vital one, Lydia...who is gone to the point of not being reintergratable at this point) leaving me with a bunch of fairly new male personalities & voices who don't know WTF to do.  At this point Lysander is really more the name of the machine, as he's really on vacation too to a great extent...which leaves me often wondering who's running things, we're really in a state of limbo here...any idea what THATS like?
i didn't think so....*sigh*

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

(over used gay metaphor so SUE ME :P lol)

had one very pleasant dream last night, was about the farm we're trying to put together a proposal for.  Small cottage thats been earth housed (think hobbit hole), a wind mill, chickens running in the yard, goats gnoshing grass under the trees, lush green garden teaming with veggies, small orchard of apple & pear trees...you know, perfect.  I'd have a gas range to cook on and a little fire place to sit in front of & read in the winter evenings with blaine.  Big dog napping on the braided rug.  no cars in sight & you can sit on the porch & listen to the bird & the crickets at night and never hear the sounds of the city not too far away, but far enough to be peaceful.
i really do kind of want a plot more toward the edge of town...not the suburbs HELL NO, but kind of like this place here: http://web.mac.com/newberryhouse/Newberry_House/Home.html  its a little too far out, if it wasn't we'd be asking if we could move there in a heartbeat, its SOOOO ideal.  I want something like that, only we're not aiming for a village, just a private farm on a small 1-2 acre plot.  Blaine wants to be in town if possible, i'd really rather be a bit further out if i HAVE to stay here...he's going to have to compromise with me on this one, if we're not moving to canada then i want someplace near the city but not smack in it if its avoidable. 
I told him one afternoon(before he fell apart & decided he didn't want to move to canada after all...even though HE was the one who recommended it) that i want out of here and i want to see brouchers that say 'come visit beautiful car free portland' before i come back.  He wants to stay here & affect the necessary changes to make that happen (thats been one of the goals of his schooling all this time) i'm just extremely impatient and want away from it all.  I know the city CAN change in the ways it needs to (especially if we STOP letting the damn suburbs force to drag our feet in our progress) and the city CAN be a beautiful amazing car free place, we COULD have a transit system that even Vancouver BC would envy and be a jewel of the continent & the metropolis oasis of the west coast...WE COULD...CAN DO IT...but its gonna take time & patience is just something i don't have a LOT of in this instance...i want away from it all for a while, i want out.  i wish i could just take a vacation from my body & life for a week (or a month :P) just go away for awhile, escape it all...but i have responsiblities & a home & small family to care for.
I just want a break...a vacation...a respit, anything.

Forest Park

Planning on taking a trip out to Forest Park sometime this week (as long as the weather isn't too soggy) to enjoy the woods, relax & connect with nature a bit.  I've been here for 4 years now and I've never been out that way, so its about time i check it out.  Blaine will be going with me, i figure we'll roll a joint or two to take along and take the camera, maybe my smaller flute (we'll see how cold it is). 
It should be a good time to go, the leaves will be changing colors, it should be very pretty.  I read an article in National Geographic about forest park when i was in high school, it sounded so nice, i'm really looking forward to it.  Gotta remember to wear my heavy hiking boots.

Stills from the Animaniacs

Below is a series of stills i saved from the animaniacs using the snapshot feature in VLC (freeware RULES). all images ©warner bros. inc.

Learning to be a gay man...

so over the past year & a half or so i have been emursing myself in a personal study of gay culture, particularly here in Portland, to better aide me in my transition into masculinity. I pass full time (as long as i don't shave lol...or i'm not being approached from behind :P) and my mannerisms are more gay-man than uber-fem these days. The biggest obsticale i've had, particularly since i'm in a poly relationship & thusly the following behavior is acceptable, is picking up on other guys. I've NEVER been good at the whole casual dating thing, theres just SOOOOO much foot work involved, it just seems like an awful lot of hassle to get some booty (especially when i have a readily available supply ya know) so why bother right?
But occassionaly i'll see someone who strikes my interest (like yesterday on the bus, there was a guy who was my type to a T: mid height to tall, lean, nice features, blue eyes, glasses, bookish, slacks & a green sweater over a white collared shirt & a tan over coat, either a PSU student or possible young prof. as he had a psu logo on his book bag. he kept looking in my direction, i'm sure he looked right at me more than once and i get all flustered, i smiled though :D he was GORGEOUS) i have NO CLUE what to do, if one approaches me & tries to talk to me my tongue basically goes numb :P. I wasn't any better at it as a chick either lol :P though i do believe i was a lot more forward, that or people just told me i was very forward because i was a girl & the behavior seemed out of place.

Chiropractor GOOD!

Went for my first chiropractic appointment this afternoon and man was my mother ever wrong about doctors in that field (that and/or the one in pendleton was simply a quack with no clue wtf he was doing, i wouldn't rule it out, there seems to be a lot of that amidst the available medical sources of pendleton, they are LESS than expempliary).
Anyway, the doctor i worked with, Bill, was very nice and very helpful. He crunched my neck out and then bent me up like a pretzel and my whole spine popped like a string of firecrackers. I feel MUCH better now. I have a check up again next week to see how i'm doing. I have a couple of simple stretches to do a couple times a day, more than anything i really need to make sure i focus on my posture when at the computer and in general.
As always, i'm the doctors favorite patient (i'm every doctors favorite patient) since i'm so self aware of my body, i know my anatomy, i take REALLY good care of myself and practice preventative medicine on myself so i don't have to go in for too frequent check ups (doctors are spendy and busy and i don't like to waste their time or spend my money on it if i don't need it). Doctors like patients who 1-take care of themselves in general, it makes their jobs a LOT easier, and 2- who they KNOW will do their home care regimin like their supposed to (many patients don't and thusly the treatment is less effective).
i'm gonna get off the computer now and go stretch, don't want to over do it now that i'm finally feeling a little.

Night Terrors

I've had night terrors the last two nights early in the morning. Monday i had two, both of which woke me up screaming (and in turn woke poor Blaine up).
The first one, i've forgotten most of the details at this point, but it involved blaine getting splattered by a truck while out biking...VERY graphic (much like the accident which i bore witness too) and naturally i woke of screaming in terror. Blaine woke up and comforted me and i fell back asleep.
The second one involved me being on the bus on my way to somewhere, i'm sitting there listening to my ipod, trying to ignore whats going on when i hear someone shouting...i look up out the front windshield and there is a sudden multiple car pile up right u ahead, the driver slams on the brakes and the bus fishtails sideways as more cars colide with us from behind...i'm being thrown about, lots of glass and blod every where, and all i can do is scream....which comes through in reality and again wakes blaine up. I remember shaking my head in my dream and rubbing my eyes with my bloodied hands and screaming like a siren thinking this HAS TO BE A NIGHTMARE WAKE UP WAKE UP!!! DAMN YOU WAKE UP!! (but then i thought the accident was a nightmare...unfortunately it wasn't).
This morning i had another night terror, involving blaine being swarmed by large, furry, multi-legged insects (our roommate told us right before we headed to bed about a large bug she'd smooshed in her shower that morning and told us to just be on the look out for that sort of thing in case another one is somewhere in the house...and i have a MASSIVE creepy crawly phobia). I was semi lucid at the end of this one, blaine says i was shouting 'what's going on, what the hell is going on?' and 'look out blaine one is on you' and he says 'what the cat?' (morhpeus had come in for early morning cuddles, before the dream he had curled up on my chest & pured while i petted him & fell back off to sleep, he had apparently migrated while i snoozed) and i woke up and was like 'huh?' and he says the cat is on him and i'm like 'oh never mind, i was having a bad dream and i came round semi lucid at the end there, go back to sleep'.
hopefully there wont be more this week, though we shall simply have to wait and see wont we.

WTF & WHY!?

Life is full of difficult decissions to make and things to do. How do you, firstly, accept that you've come to despise the person who is supposed to be your best friend? further more, how do you cope with the fact that said friend is someone who you've looked up to since you met them, someone you admired as a good person and used to look to for advice?
once again people turn out to not be what they seem to be, deep down. Its that same feeling of crushing disapointment, the heros are dead, or rather they never existed, not untarnished. After you've learned to see through someone's act and are confronted with the man behind the curtain...lets just say you're left feeling more than a little bitter about the situation.
You give and give and give and none of it gets reciprocated, except for a little bit of time, but none of the emotional reciprocation that is necessary to have a healthy freindship.
I've come to the conclusion that it is time to tell my friend to go back home where she belongs. She's busy destroying herself because she's under the dillusion that suffering will make her a better person. I am a strong person because i'm a survivor, my angst & baggage hasn't killed me yet and i don't intend to let it...i've had years of time & disapline to learn & build up the coping mechanisms necessary to deal with this sort of internal and external torment from the world.
what are you doing here?? you've had your little bohemian fantasy here for 5 years, now go home before you destroy yourself you damn fool!
I can NOT abide people who throw away amazing gifts that are given to them! she has the most amazing loving parents anyone could ask for, she was spoiled & pampered her whole life, the worst she's had to deal with is a borken ankle, a traumatic relationship and an abortion...in the grand scheme of things, that ISN"T that much. not when the rest of your life up to that point has been a pampered pallace of love and adoration. and she THREW IT AWAY. she who could have had help in her relocation, assistance when she needed it, etc....she threw it away...she RAN away. i CAN"T fathom this sort of behavior.
It took me a long time to build up the courage to leave home and i hadn't intended to tell my parents about it, but they found out about it because i needed them to move me, i could have left my stuff behind but i couldn't get myself to do it. I wanted my parents, who DESERVE this sort of treatment, to come home and find a note saying that i had left, gone away, and wasn't coming back, and no i'm not telling you where i've gone.
poor inga's parents...her dad was heartbroken, i feel so sorry for them because they are AMAZING people and their daughter is a spoiled ingrate!
i just can't fathom it! WHY??