YOU DON'T KNOW how it feels, to be me!
She understood even less then than she would now so its really a mootpoint, but its true...the world has no idea what its like to be Lysander D. DeLancey & company, you can't even imagine what its like.
Like the childhood trauma wasn't enough, I'm back at square one on a lot of levels, back where i was back then, at least i understand the motivations for my actions now...i know WHY i'm angry & feel like lashing out all the time...i'm tiny & helpless, powerless and terrified and i can't do ANYTHING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION...do you know what that feels like? to be powerless? truly powerless...
'open your eyes little darlin, i like to see your face' as you violate me...someone i was supposed to trust, is it any wonder i have NO trust of authoritarian figures? because the figures we're supposed to TRUST always stab us in the back in painful unbelievably cruel ways...
as though the night terrors & panic attacks i suffer from that aren't enough, now this...new trauma, fresh & raw & bleeding out on the sidewalk forcing yet another sever emotional & psychological detour in my life...more voices without a corporial source, more noise, more static, more pain...the pain never goes away...everything hurts, vessel, mind and soul...alone and painful, no ointment for these sort of tears.
and everyone says 'i wish there was more i could do' you and the rest of the fucking world, you an everyone else...you all have the luxury of forgetting its happened, you don't have to think about it when all you can do is sit in bed or around the house because your body aches too much to do anything useful, and you just sit about wasting away feeling like a useless leach on those who love you...undeserving, or feeling that way though we don't know why...though we do, its because our family always made us out to be the least deserving, why should you get X what have YOU DONE to deserve it?? but what did they do to deserve anything they claim to have right to? i'd like to know...
alone, not unloved, just very alone...you don't know how it feels...people can sympathis but they can't empathize and thats what i need more than anything, i need someone else who has seen similar to what i have seen, knows what the terrors & the PTSD is like...do you know what its like to be terrified to leave your home...i thought i was finally past this and now i'm right back here again...the internal conflict within me even greater than it was before...go out, stay in, you have things to do, but i'm in pain, you have errands to run, but i'm afraid of the vehicles that crawl about the roads like 2ton metalic behemouths of death...private vehicles all carry an aura of death these days, the all seem to have that black halo about them, they're bad news of the worst kind...WHAT gives you the entitlement to posess such a deadly weapon? WHY?
I feel completely alone in this world and to a significant degree i want out...a fair portion of me is out there in the ether on vacation somewhere, how i wish i could join up with them...those who can't cope have taken leave of our senses and will return when things have settled down...i'm not at all myself(selves)...all out of sorts...roll call- Tina (basically embodiment of rage & self loathing, 'you're worthless & a leach etc'), Xen (buddhist, optimist, semi stoic, calm but not take charge enough to run the show), Johnny & Jack (hommicidal urge & the berserk jester of doom), Christi (an 8yr old girl, terrified, alone, powerless, meek, in desperate need of a puppy because our damn kitty doesn't ever want to spend time with us *pout* that fact isn't helping me at all), Monk/Pill-Z/Woody (OCD, cleaning, mania...usually caffine induced), Edgar (angst, goth, survidor of Anubis, dark & morbid humor, darker creative force), Fawkes (angry brit punk), KoKo (still wanders through ocassionally but is mostly on vacation...flaming latin fag, GAY, colorful, enjoys dance & bright colors...think like extremely gay latin candy kid), Bobby (Canuck...laid back, still doesn't have much of a voice, he's new...he hates america & americans and their way of life). Most of my femimine personas have jumped ship (specifically the vital one, Lydia...who is gone to the point of not being reintergratable at this point) leaving me with a bunch of fairly new male personalities & voices who don't know WTF to do. At this point Lysander is really more the name of the machine, as he's really on vacation too to a great extent...which leaves me often wondering who's running things, we're really in a state of limbo here...any idea what THATS like?
i didn't think so....*sigh*
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