The Boys

Here are a few photos of my two boys, Bozzley my mini Dachshund and Morphy(Morpheus) my seal point Siamese cat, they have been bonding over the course of the last week or so and are finally to the point where they'll sleep together :).  they are too too cute!

I knew they would quickly become the best of friends :) they're just like brothers.

night before i get my new pal

so after weeks of searching & hunting and a few days of being jerked up, down and sideways, i FINALLY found myself a good match of a puppy i could afford.  The first lady i emailed earlier this week wanted $300 for her pups and i was able to talk her down to $180 so i could get one, so happy early Yule to me :D.
I will be getting a sweet little mini dachshund, red/brown (they call it wild boar markings), brown eyes, wont be bigger than morpheus full grown (about 12lbs) and i am SOOOO fucking excited...i wish i could have gotten him tonight but ya know, owner lives in clack and works all day so i can understand not wanting to drive back into town this late, but early tomorrow morning on her way to work miss Jennifer will be dropping off my new friend...i'm pretty sure we're naming him Bozzley, unless something else jumps out at me (and then it can be a middle or last name).
i can assure you, TONS and TONS of photos to come :D LOTS!! i can hardly wait :) heading to bed in a couple hours to try & get some sleep so i'll sound relatively awake when she calls in the morning

random thought, random thorn

 posted from a chat session with my friend earlier-


(12:36:28 PM) mad_hatters_apprentice: ugh roommate has ANOTHER new 'boyfriend' again, he's coming over today...she said he's into computers & that 'he & justin will probably be great friends' and i'm trying to think of a tactful way to say 'um, perhaps some of us aren't comfortable with becoming attached to the presence of other people who aren't going to be around much and thusly don't see much time in spending time getting to know them?'
(12:37:07 PM) mad_hatters_apprentice: also trying to think of a tactful way to say, 'sorry amber but the three of us would prefer to move and just have it be the three of us when we move out, nothin personal, we'd just like it to be a man house' that sounds so sexist :P
(12:38:57 PM) mad_hatters_apprentice: sadly its true, we are all in agreement that we'd prefer it to be just the three of us guys when we move into a house together...we're all kinda sick of living with women (no offense hun, luv ya)

JUSTICE, SWEET JUICY JUSTICE!!

so i went to therapy yesterday and i waited to call in and confirm my subpoena while i was there i case i had a break down over the results of the call...I get transfered to the correct line & let them know my case number...AND...
NO TRIAL FOR ME TODAY!! the bastard decided to show a minute smidgen of intelligence and TAKE THE FUCKING PLEA! instead of me (and the half dozen people who happened upon the scene of the accident) having to come in and testify FIRST THING this morning, i got to sleep in and he was scheduled to plea in front of the judge while i slept.  By the time i got up things should have been done with and they should have moved on to the next number on the docet.
*sigh* i am above and BEYOND relieved that i don't have to go testify.  I got to sleep peacefully last night and sleep in.  I don't have to EVER see this sack of human waste in person, he wont have the chance to get into my head.
I hope he's having nightmares regularly of a dark figure in the corner of his room with their hair pulled down over their face telling him over & over in detail EXACTLY what he did...YOU took Lydia from me you SON OF A BITCH, she's ALL YOURS NOW! may she torment you unto the day someone mercilessly shives you in the shower! some bubba is gonna have some FUN with you mother fucker. :D
anyway, its really REALLY nice to wake up and be able to genuinely smile again and feel somewhat optimistic about the day.  I feel as though i've been in a coma for the last 4 months (its 4 months to the day today you know, it seems like so much longer) and i'm just starting to wake up.  Things WILL get better now :)

amusing how she never realized...

my friend came over to stay the night last night because she just broke up with her fiance a few days ago and didn't want to be alone.  So we sat up until 3am, she had some wine & we smoked and sat around shooting the shit and playing nintendo etc.  gave her a melatonin to help her sleep because she hadn't slept in two days (stuff works like a charm).
anyway, one of the stories i was telling her last night was about the time in 2006 when i went to one last 'family' thanksgiving with my relatives.  blaine & i had been down stairs shooting pool in my grandparents basement & we heard drinks were being served now, so we went upstairs to check out our options.  I wanted something hard but all they had was jack or pendleton whiskey, so i decided to try some jack.  my uncle asks how i take that, neat or one the rocks and i tell him neat.  my grandmother interjects 'you should really have some ice in that' 'nah, i prefer mine straight' grandma interjects again 'you REALLY should have it on the rocks' and for the first time in my life i very gently told my grandmother off 'grandma i know how i like my whiskey, and i like my whiskey neat' and went back to my pool game.  but the look on her face was priceless, you'd think i'd just reached across the table & backhanded her.  amazingly she bit her tongue and didn't make a fuss about it (not while i was there anyway).  that year blaine & i had driven to the gathering in our rental car to drive home the point that my mother had made.  she had told grandma to mind her manners and bite her tongue or i WOULD leave the party, i was an adult now and i DID NOT have to be there, i had graciously chosen to join them for dinner and if she couldn't be civil i COULD and WOULD leave....the most amusing an ironic thing about what my mother did here is: she didn't seem to realize, that applied to my relationship with HER & DON too!  I'm an adult now and i DO NOT have to maintain contact with anyone i DO NOT wish to be in contact with...sucks to be you don't it bitch?

go away world

i HAVE to go get my passport papers turned in TODAY or they're not going to get processed in time for our trip next month.  I just REALLY REALLY don't feel like leaving the house today.  I have a few things i need to get at the store too, but like i said, i don't feel like going out & dealing with the world today. 
I've been up since 8 and i still haven't even eaten breakfast today, just don't have much appetite of late...its probably a cross between teh depression and whatever thsi cold/flu thing i have is.  Talk about being wore out, coffee can't even get me moving.  I've had coffee the last two days only to go to bed a few hours later & sleep ALL night (only getting up in the middle of the night long enough to pee, then passing back out), just exhausted.
It was foggy this morning and i thought, wow what a great setting to go to the cemetery & get photos in...too bad i don't feel like going anywhere.  Since i HAVE to get my papers in TODAY i'm trying to come up with something else i can do while i'm out that will make it feel more worth while.  If i don't i don't get vacation but, frankly, at the moment it feels like the best sort of vacation would be if i could just power down for a while, turn the machine off for a week & have like a 5000 mile service check up, saddly it doesn't work like that when your machine is organic.  *sigh*

pleasant afternoon

had my neice over for a couple hours this afternoon with Inga, she's a surprisingly pleasant child to be around.  And, as i always say, she's so smart.  She just blows me away with how brilliant & incredibly intillectually curious she is.  Today she sat down at the table across from me and was petting our cat Sink, and she turns to me and asks 'where's the new kitty?' and i tell her morpheus went back outside.  She then says 'two outside?' and i'm just astounded, 'thats right cassidy, very good.  i have three kitties, and one is inside and two are outside.  you're so smart'.  positive renforcement of this sort of behavior is VITAL! she's gonna be so smart when she gets older :) (she's SMART now :D).  And NO her dad is NOT sending her out to bum fuck no where middle america to visit baby mama, if she wants to see the kid she can come here.  what are we stupid? you want us to send her to you so you can undo the potty training and the reading and the math? fuck you bitch :P if you REALLY want to see her YOU will make the effort and COME SEE HER (not vice versa...because, and this is true, the kid REALLY doesn't miss you...which is kind of sad but i feel NO sympathy for the bitch, she's just like my mother on a lot of levels and is absolutely useless as a human being). 
All in all it was a very enjoyable afternoon with the kid over, she was trying to wrestle me while i was sitting on the floor, once she warms up to me when she comes over she loves to come give me hugs and sit in my lap and talk to me.  She's a good kid and i LOATHE her mother for ignoring this AMAZING INCREDIBLE little person...i DON"T understand how people like that can IGNORE and look RIGHT PAST this incredible GIFT they've been given (and this is coming from someone who doesn't like kids)...i just don't get it.
We get along really well because she reminds me a lot of me at that age, lot of the same mannerisms, same sort of abandoment issues & similar emotional baggage.  She was having a shy day when she first arrived and inga told her she was being silly because she was all excited to be coming over.  She seemed to have a good time while she was here.  She's generally really well behaved and between inga & i she's VERY easy to keep an eye on.  Gave her hugs when she was heading out and told her i'll see her next week hopefully.  Its nice to know she likes me :)

Feel Good...

I'm feeling pretty ok today.  Had coffee yesterday afternoon and wasn't expecting to sleep well at all but i woke up mid way through the night (as expected) and went right back to sleep afterward & didn't get up until 8:30.  So i got some decent sleep in me. 
Missed the bus to my chiropractic appointment yesterday and had to reschedule for next week, kind of a drag.  However, over the course of the several months that this problem with my neck has been burdening me i have become intimately familiar with the workings of my body in that area and have finally pin pointed the area where the tension collects & causes problems and have also devised a way i can work the tension out with the assistance of blaine (it involves me laying on the floor like roadkill and having him press on my shoulders while i rotate the sockets back into place, painful but effective).  Last night i finally made enough progress that i can yawn unubstructed again :D (you never realize how much you take something like a satisfying yawn for granted until you can't do it comfortably :P).
before showering this morning i did my 175 situps & backlifts and stretches, then i did the dishes & cleaned the kitchen while i waited for my rice to finish cooking.  I'm taking a breakfast break before i vacuum.  I'm hoping Inga & Cassidy will come for  a visit today so i want the house to be clean.  I want to bake cassidy cookies later :) considering introducing her to duck hunt on the original NES since inga doesn't have one. :)
I noticed that my bedroom smelled like cornchips & sweat this morning so i cracked the window & lit a stick of incense, now the nag, the rain and the general masculine smell of the room combined with the lingering smell of pot, it smells JUST like my aunt Jo's house in canada :D (kevin's room always had such a pleasant smell & energy to it & i later realized after i started smoking WHAT that special smell was :D).  YAY for a pleasantly fragrant house :).

painful days

between the preasure system, my fibromyalgia and my head cold i am in an excessive ammount of pain so this post will be short.
everything hurts and i'm angry because i'm in so much pain i can't do anything (this is painful to type & use the mouse, i've been doing computer use in 5min bursts very rarely throughout the day)...damn this is frustrating, i feel like i should be doing more, i have a lot to do and i can't do any of it...gonna go lay back down :(

Emotional Weight Lifiting

As i have been feeling horendously and rather soul crushingly depressed of late and as i am alone at home all day today, i decided to watch a couple of tear jerker movies to help me exhaust some of my excess sad.  I'm tired of venting it to my friends because then they get upset that they can't do anything to make it better and it just adds more fuel to my sad tank until i'm drowning in my own emotions (quite literally). 
So i started with the two part golden girls episode form season 5 'sick & tired' in which Dorothy is diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (same thing i have) that helped a bit.  Then i moved on to '10 things i hate about you' i don't know why but this one always makes me tear up off & on throughout...makes me sentimental or something i guess, i honestly don't know.  But it wasn't quite pulling the right strings hard enough, so i was thinking to myself 'what do i have thats really REALLY sad, like heart breakingly sad' then it hit me...watch 'Broke Back Mountain' you haven't seen it yet and you KNOW its a tear jerker.  So i did...and i reviewed on my twitter as i went (i'm a geek, i'm a home body, i have no life no more, it amused me so sue me lol)
Tear jerker is the BIGGEST understatement of the millenium...the movie was beautifully crafty, thought provoking, honest, and it makes you feel like someone reached into your rib cage and ripped your heart out then stomped on it with stilletos, picked what was left up and put it into a blender and hit frape' (at least that was the effect i got) it was SOOOOO heart breakingly sad. 
I understand why they had that fight they did, its easier as a man to react with anger than acknowledge that you feel weak and vulnerable and that you're scared...i know that (i've been on both sides of the fence).  What i just don't understand about the world then (or the world now) is why can't ya just let us alone? why can't we have our happy endings? how is my loving my partner as much as you love yours (or more) ANY threat to you?  the cognitive disonense on this issue has always just completely dumb founded me.
On a positive note, after crying my guts out over this HEART BREAKING tragic gay love story, i am feeling significantly better.  I REALLY needed to get all those tears out.  Most people think i'm weird for it but you NEED to cry and when you can't get it to come out on its one, i use a tear jerker of some variety to spur it on...its healthy, its theraputic, and it helps keep you from getting ulcers like i developed in my teen years because i DIDN'T vent my emotions often enough, it eats you from the inside out litterally.
On a further positive note, the court dude who delivers subpeanoas just dropped by and according to him they drag their feet and drag their feet and 90% of the time they end up pleaing out, it takes about 6 months and they fuck everyones life up in the process but they almost ALWAYS plead out.  and this guy is the same one whos delivered my last subpeanoas and he's very compastionate & kind (and not bad looking...reminds me of detective John Munch in his appearance & mannerisms slightly) he's a nice man.  I told him that the DA had told me they have a meeting tomorrow to see if they can swing a plea so hopefully i'll get word here early next week that they have, otherwise WHOOPEE i get to go to court (there will be HELL TO PAY if i have to...may this guy never sleep peacefully again in his life, but we've already sent as much of that one his way as possible...he'll get his, karma just takes time).
and now i think i may go out for a little while, i need to get some wine to try & lure & kill some gnats, gods they're annoying, and once they get into your kitchen its hard to get rid of the fuckers GODS!

healthy emotions...

now that i've ranted a bit (previous post) and watched the episode 'sick & tired' of golden girls, where Dorothy is diagnosed with the same disease i have Fibromyalgia (they call it chronic fatigue syndrome in the episode but its the same thing) and had a couple good tear ups because i know EXACTLY what it is like to sit there and have the doctor act like you're making it up, like you're some sort of hypochondriatic neurotic and tell you 'well you shouldn't be this sore so clearly you're not ACTUALLY this sore, you're just making it up and/or its all in your head' instead of what they SHOULD be saying which is 'sorry, i'm not sure whats causing you this pain, we can't identify the problem/source and until we can you will just have to try & adapt your life to living with it. rest when you need to, eat healthy, exercise & stretch often, try to eliminate stress when possible...generally take as good a care of yourself as possible & adapt your life to your new circumstances' if they would say that we would be SOOOOO relieved, we would feel so much better.  At leas you wouldn't be making us feel like we're more insane than we really are.  I also know what its like to have the doctor just dismiss you like you're wasting their precious time just because THEY can't identify whats wrong with you...you NEVER blame the victim, thats a BIG no no.
I've decided that since Blaine has long class today and wont be back until after 4pm i'm going to watch a few tear jerker movies and have some good crying because all this sad needs to get vented or i'm litterally GONNA EXPLODE.  I'm so upset, sad, depressed & distressed that if i don't get some of it out i'm gonna start lashing out at the slightest provocation, and thats NEVER good (especially when i don't have a good handle on myself to begin with).  So i'm gonna go pick some nice sad movies to  enjoy and curl up and vent some of this excess.
on a side note i DESPERATELY need software that will allow me to speak into a mic and it will type what i'm saying, anyone know of such software? because my arthritis is getting so bad that i have SERIOUS trouble typing but its such a vital part of my day to day (its vital part of most peoples day to day)...damn my arms & wrists :(

You don't know how it feels...

My mother used to tell me that the following was a cop out but I disagree:
YOU DON'T KNOW how it feels, to be me!
She understood even less then than she would now so its really a mootpoint, but its true...the world has no idea what its like to be Lysander D. DeLancey & company, you can't even imagine what its like.
Like the childhood trauma wasn't enough, I'm back at square one on a lot of levels, back where i was back then, at least i understand the motivations for my actions now...i know WHY i'm angry & feel like lashing out all the time...i'm tiny & helpless, powerless and terrified and i can't do ANYTHING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION...do you know what that feels like? to be powerless? truly powerless...
'open your eyes little darlin, i like to see your face' as you violate me...someone i was supposed to trust, is it any wonder i have NO trust of authoritarian figures?  because the figures we're supposed to TRUST always stab us in the back in painful unbelievably cruel ways...
as though the night terrors & panic attacks i suffer from that aren't enough, now this...new trauma, fresh & raw & bleeding out on the sidewalk forcing yet another sever emotional & psychological detour in my life...more voices without a corporial source, more noise, more static, more pain...the pain never goes away...everything hurts, vessel, mind and soul...alone and painful, no ointment for these sort of tears.
and everyone says 'i wish there was more i could do' you and the rest of the fucking world, you an everyone else...you all have the luxury of forgetting its happened, you don't have to think about it when all you can do is sit in bed or around the house because your body aches too much to do anything useful, and you just sit about wasting away feeling like a useless leach on those who love you...undeserving, or feeling that way though we don't know why...though we do, its because our family always made us out to be the least deserving, why should you get X what have YOU DONE to deserve it?? but what did they do to deserve anything they claim to have right to? i'd like to know...
alone, not unloved, just very alone...you don't know how it feels...people can sympathis but they can't empathize and thats what i need more than anything, i need someone else who has seen similar to what i have seen, knows what the terrors & the PTSD is like...do you know what its like to be terrified to leave your home...i thought i was finally past this and now i'm right back here again...the internal conflict within me even greater than it was before...go out, stay in, you have things to do, but i'm in pain, you have errands to run, but i'm afraid of the vehicles that crawl about the roads like 2ton metalic behemouths of death...private vehicles all carry an aura of death these days, the all seem to have that black halo about them, they're bad news of the worst kind...WHAT gives you the entitlement to posess such a deadly weapon? WHY?
I feel completely alone in this world and to a significant degree i want out...a fair portion of me is out there in the ether on vacation somewhere, how i wish i could join up with them...those who can't cope have taken leave of our senses and will return when things have settled down...i'm not at all myself(selves)...all out of sorts...roll call- Tina (basically embodiment of rage & self loathing, 'you're worthless & a leach etc'), Xen (buddhist, optimist, semi stoic, calm but not take charge enough to run the show), Johnny & Jack (hommicidal urge & the berserk jester of doom), Christi (an 8yr old girl, terrified, alone, powerless, meek, in desperate need of a puppy because our damn kitty doesn't ever want to spend time with us *pout* that fact isn't helping me at all), Monk/Pill-Z/Woody (OCD, cleaning, mania...usually caffine induced), Edgar (angst, goth, survidor of Anubis, dark & morbid humor, darker creative force), Fawkes (angry brit punk), KoKo (still wanders through ocassionally but is mostly on vacation...flaming latin fag, GAY, colorful, enjoys dance & bright colors...think like extremely gay latin candy kid), Bobby (Canuck...laid back, still doesn't have much of a voice, he's new...he hates america & americans and their way of life).  Most of my femimine personas have jumped ship (specifically the vital one, Lydia...who is gone to the point of not being reintergratable at this point) leaving me with a bunch of fairly new male personalities & voices who don't know WTF to do.  At this point Lysander is really more the name of the machine, as he's really on vacation too to a great extent...which leaves me often wondering who's running things, we're really in a state of limbo here...any idea what THATS like?
i didn't think so....*sigh*

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

(over used gay metaphor so SUE ME :P lol)

had one very pleasant dream last night, was about the farm we're trying to put together a proposal for.  Small cottage thats been earth housed (think hobbit hole), a wind mill, chickens running in the yard, goats gnoshing grass under the trees, lush green garden teaming with veggies, small orchard of apple & pear trees...you know, perfect.  I'd have a gas range to cook on and a little fire place to sit in front of & read in the winter evenings with blaine.  Big dog napping on the braided rug.  no cars in sight & you can sit on the porch & listen to the bird & the crickets at night and never hear the sounds of the city not too far away, but far enough to be peaceful.
i really do kind of want a plot more toward the edge of town...not the suburbs HELL NO, but kind of like this place here: http://web.mac.com/newberryhouse/Newberry_House/Home.html  its a little too far out, if it wasn't we'd be asking if we could move there in a heartbeat, its SOOOO ideal.  I want something like that, only we're not aiming for a village, just a private farm on a small 1-2 acre plot.  Blaine wants to be in town if possible, i'd really rather be a bit further out if i HAVE to stay here...he's going to have to compromise with me on this one, if we're not moving to canada then i want someplace near the city but not smack in it if its avoidable. 
I told him one afternoon(before he fell apart & decided he didn't want to move to canada after all...even though HE was the one who recommended it) that i want out of here and i want to see brouchers that say 'come visit beautiful car free portland' before i come back.  He wants to stay here & affect the necessary changes to make that happen (thats been one of the goals of his schooling all this time) i'm just extremely impatient and want away from it all.  I know the city CAN change in the ways it needs to (especially if we STOP letting the damn suburbs force to drag our feet in our progress) and the city CAN be a beautiful amazing car free place, we COULD have a transit system that even Vancouver BC would envy and be a jewel of the continent & the metropolis oasis of the west coast...WE COULD...CAN DO IT...but its gonna take time & patience is just something i don't have a LOT of in this instance...i want away from it all for a while, i want out.  i wish i could just take a vacation from my body & life for a week (or a month :P) just go away for awhile, escape it all...but i have responsiblities & a home & small family to care for.
I just want a break...a vacation...a respit, anything.

Forest Park

Planning on taking a trip out to Forest Park sometime this week (as long as the weather isn't too soggy) to enjoy the woods, relax & connect with nature a bit.  I've been here for 4 years now and I've never been out that way, so its about time i check it out.  Blaine will be going with me, i figure we'll roll a joint or two to take along and take the camera, maybe my smaller flute (we'll see how cold it is). 
It should be a good time to go, the leaves will be changing colors, it should be very pretty.  I read an article in National Geographic about forest park when i was in high school, it sounded so nice, i'm really looking forward to it.  Gotta remember to wear my heavy hiking boots.

Stills from the Animaniacs

Below is a series of stills i saved from the animaniacs using the snapshot feature in VLC (freeware RULES). all images ©warner bros. inc.

Learning to be a gay man...

so over the past year & a half or so i have been emursing myself in a personal study of gay culture, particularly here in Portland, to better aide me in my transition into masculinity. I pass full time (as long as i don't shave lol...or i'm not being approached from behind :P) and my mannerisms are more gay-man than uber-fem these days. The biggest obsticale i've had, particularly since i'm in a poly relationship & thusly the following behavior is acceptable, is picking up on other guys. I've NEVER been good at the whole casual dating thing, theres just SOOOOO much foot work involved, it just seems like an awful lot of hassle to get some booty (especially when i have a readily available supply ya know) so why bother right?
But occassionaly i'll see someone who strikes my interest (like yesterday on the bus, there was a guy who was my type to a T: mid height to tall, lean, nice features, blue eyes, glasses, bookish, slacks & a green sweater over a white collared shirt & a tan over coat, either a PSU student or possible young prof. as he had a psu logo on his book bag. he kept looking in my direction, i'm sure he looked right at me more than once and i get all flustered, i smiled though :D he was GORGEOUS) i have NO CLUE what to do, if one approaches me & tries to talk to me my tongue basically goes numb :P. I wasn't any better at it as a chick either lol :P though i do believe i was a lot more forward, that or people just told me i was very forward because i was a girl & the behavior seemed out of place.

Chiropractor GOOD!

Went for my first chiropractic appointment this afternoon and man was my mother ever wrong about doctors in that field (that and/or the one in pendleton was simply a quack with no clue wtf he was doing, i wouldn't rule it out, there seems to be a lot of that amidst the available medical sources of pendleton, they are LESS than expempliary).
Anyway, the doctor i worked with, Bill, was very nice and very helpful. He crunched my neck out and then bent me up like a pretzel and my whole spine popped like a string of firecrackers. I feel MUCH better now. I have a check up again next week to see how i'm doing. I have a couple of simple stretches to do a couple times a day, more than anything i really need to make sure i focus on my posture when at the computer and in general.
As always, i'm the doctors favorite patient (i'm every doctors favorite patient) since i'm so self aware of my body, i know my anatomy, i take REALLY good care of myself and practice preventative medicine on myself so i don't have to go in for too frequent check ups (doctors are spendy and busy and i don't like to waste their time or spend my money on it if i don't need it). Doctors like patients who 1-take care of themselves in general, it makes their jobs a LOT easier, and 2- who they KNOW will do their home care regimin like their supposed to (many patients don't and thusly the treatment is less effective).
i'm gonna get off the computer now and go stretch, don't want to over do it now that i'm finally feeling a little.

Night Terrors

I've had night terrors the last two nights early in the morning. Monday i had two, both of which woke me up screaming (and in turn woke poor Blaine up).
The first one, i've forgotten most of the details at this point, but it involved blaine getting splattered by a truck while out biking...VERY graphic (much like the accident which i bore witness too) and naturally i woke of screaming in terror. Blaine woke up and comforted me and i fell back asleep.
The second one involved me being on the bus on my way to somewhere, i'm sitting there listening to my ipod, trying to ignore whats going on when i hear someone shouting...i look up out the front windshield and there is a sudden multiple car pile up right u ahead, the driver slams on the brakes and the bus fishtails sideways as more cars colide with us from behind...i'm being thrown about, lots of glass and blod every where, and all i can do is scream....which comes through in reality and again wakes blaine up. I remember shaking my head in my dream and rubbing my eyes with my bloodied hands and screaming like a siren thinking this HAS TO BE A NIGHTMARE WAKE UP WAKE UP!!! DAMN YOU WAKE UP!! (but then i thought the accident was a nightmare...unfortunately it wasn't).
This morning i had another night terror, involving blaine being swarmed by large, furry, multi-legged insects (our roommate told us right before we headed to bed about a large bug she'd smooshed in her shower that morning and told us to just be on the look out for that sort of thing in case another one is somewhere in the house...and i have a MASSIVE creepy crawly phobia). I was semi lucid at the end of this one, blaine says i was shouting 'what's going on, what the hell is going on?' and 'look out blaine one is on you' and he says 'what the cat?' (morhpeus had come in for early morning cuddles, before the dream he had curled up on my chest & pured while i petted him & fell back off to sleep, he had apparently migrated while i snoozed) and i woke up and was like 'huh?' and he says the cat is on him and i'm like 'oh never mind, i was having a bad dream and i came round semi lucid at the end there, go back to sleep'.
hopefully there wont be more this week, though we shall simply have to wait and see wont we.

WTF & WHY!?

Life is full of difficult decissions to make and things to do. How do you, firstly, accept that you've come to despise the person who is supposed to be your best friend? further more, how do you cope with the fact that said friend is someone who you've looked up to since you met them, someone you admired as a good person and used to look to for advice?
once again people turn out to not be what they seem to be, deep down. Its that same feeling of crushing disapointment, the heros are dead, or rather they never existed, not untarnished. After you've learned to see through someone's act and are confronted with the man behind the curtain...lets just say you're left feeling more than a little bitter about the situation.
You give and give and give and none of it gets reciprocated, except for a little bit of time, but none of the emotional reciprocation that is necessary to have a healthy freindship.
I've come to the conclusion that it is time to tell my friend to go back home where she belongs. She's busy destroying herself because she's under the dillusion that suffering will make her a better person. I am a strong person because i'm a survivor, my angst & baggage hasn't killed me yet and i don't intend to let it...i've had years of time & disapline to learn & build up the coping mechanisms necessary to deal with this sort of internal and external torment from the world.
what are you doing here?? you've had your little bohemian fantasy here for 5 years, now go home before you destroy yourself you damn fool!
I can NOT abide people who throw away amazing gifts that are given to them! she has the most amazing loving parents anyone could ask for, she was spoiled & pampered her whole life, the worst she's had to deal with is a borken ankle, a traumatic relationship and an abortion...in the grand scheme of things, that ISN"T that much. not when the rest of your life up to that point has been a pampered pallace of love and adoration. and she THREW IT AWAY. she who could have had help in her relocation, assistance when she needed it, etc....she threw it away...she RAN away. i CAN"T fathom this sort of behavior.
It took me a long time to build up the courage to leave home and i hadn't intended to tell my parents about it, but they found out about it because i needed them to move me, i could have left my stuff behind but i couldn't get myself to do it. I wanted my parents, who DESERVE this sort of treatment, to come home and find a note saying that i had left, gone away, and wasn't coming back, and no i'm not telling you where i've gone.
poor inga's parents...her dad was heartbroken, i feel so sorry for them because they are AMAZING people and their daughter is a spoiled ingrate!
i just can't fathom it! WHY??

wish it away...

just sitting down to enjoy golden girls and hoping for a semi relaxing day around the house for once (life has been MEGA stressful for me of late & i just want some quiet & some time to just sit & such) and i hear the door bell ring...and i pause for a second because i thought it was on the show but i realize, no there's no door bell in this scene...
so i throw my robe on and i go out to answer the door & its the defense attorney for the asshole who ran over my neighbor and his investigator, wanting to talk to me. I told them i REALLY don't want to talk to them and they ask if there is a time when would be better, i tell them i'll have to check my schedule. I close the door, come back & stare at the calendar for a moment trying to remember when blaine's got class & when he hasn't, i told him that i might be available friday and he was really adamant about wanting to talk to me, commented on my sign on my door and told me 'were not trying to solicite we're just trying to do our jobs' (that makes me want to SCREAM AT HIM...YOUR JOB??? YOUR JOB IS TO STAND UP FOR MURDERS & TRY & GET THEM OFF!!! FUCK YOUR JOB! YOU"RE STANDING UP FOR THE MAN WHO RAN SOMEONE DOWN & SHOWS NO REMORSE & YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU???? FUCK YOU!). i don't think i HAVE to talk to them if i don't want to but i'm wondering if i do if it will get him to force the guy to plead.
I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! i just didn't want to have to thinka bout this at all today, WHY CAN"T IT JUST GO AWAY!

Ass kicking dreams

had dreams all last night that i was kicking peoples asses. A LOT of peoples, and all people who are well over due for an ass kicking delivered by yours truly.
People like my brothers & parents, people who used to push me around when i was young, the da, basically anyone who ever treated me like shit...ya know, the people who have made me what i am today (a barely in touch nutter who is functional enough NOT to fly off the handle and actually act on these impulses, but too unhinged to function in society).
it was fairly theraputic, kind of like my own personal episode of JTHM. Like i said, its nothing i'd ever actually act on, but indulging in a little mental fantasy about doing so is healthy...
*steel toed boot to aaron's groin* just because you're bigger than me DOESN"T mean i can't drop your ass and futher more it DOESN"T mean that you scare me.
*sharp blow to jason's solar plexus* thats for the time that YOU flipped out and YOU lost control & tried to kill me you worthless sack of human waste
*serious punishment delivered to my controlling mothers smug bitch face* you vowed not to turn into your mother & YET LOOK WHAT HAPPENED YOU CONTROLLING HARPY!
*decent kick in the ass delivered to don* YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR ME MORE! i don't care if i wasn't YOUR blood child, YOU were the father figure & SHOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE IT!!
*tie grandma to a chair & explain to her one point at a time HOW she fucked up and WHY i'm so screwed up...IT WAS LARGELY YOUR FAULT! you & mother & aunt suzzane trying to turn me into a 50's sitcom house wife FUCK YOU ALL*

i feel REALLY sorry for the poor son of a bitch who decides to push me to far & too hard some day, because when you have this ammount of bottled & distilled rage caused by PTSD all it takes is a little push too far, a little too much preasure and KABOOM! we explode...do you know what happens then? the provoker then takes on the image of EVER face thats ever laughed at your or mocked you, the voice of ever unkind abusive word that was ever shouted in your ear, they morph into a mass of ever one who ever did something to get you to that point...and then...they become an ephigy which you BURN!...more like beat into a bloody mass on the pavement...

i don't like the idea of being that kind of person but nonetheless forces beyond my control have brought me to this point...all i can do is hold myself back, this is why i stay home most of the time of late, because i feel myself getting too close to that point too often and i can't let myself loose it and get pushed that far because then you've simply become another one of them...'you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan' i was never much of a hero, but with each passing day i feel a bit more villified...'what doesn't kill you simply makes you stranger' and if thats not true i don't know what is.

Anxiety

Been up since 6am again, woke up & couldn't get back to sleep. Spent the whole night having anxiety dreams/nightmares, woke up at 6 feeling like someone had been trying to tear my arms off all night (slept on them wrong).
one of the dreams was of one of the family trips i took to the coast when i was in high school, we went the wrong direction because my parents thought New Port was near Astoria (WRONG) and didn't bother to check their assumption with a map before hand, we spent an entire afternoon driving along a winding, cliff faced, coastal highway (a NIGHTMARE for me, i don't like the ocean or heights, or precarious roads) so that was a pleasant memory/dream as you can imagine.
The rest of them were, naturally, about the court case, the asshole DA, etc. I DESPERATELY wish i could close my eyes & just make it all go away. I don't want to deal with it and i'm not coping at all well with it. Some of them were about school, i don't know WHAT i'm thinking even considering taking classes at a location out on barbur blvd. of all places (especially NIGHT COURSES, ah HELL NO). trying to find a college that will allow me to take the career step distance learning course & pay for it with my pell grant, otherwise i guess i'll just take classes at PCC...though that wont get me a job. *sigh*
I'm terribly depressed and I'm home alone today...and it doesn't appear as though anyone is online to talk to.
Trying to talk blaine into moving early & having amber find roommates to replace us so we don't have to break the lease, i need OUT OF HERE. I wish we were still considering Canada, it felt like it held so much promise, but blaine doesn't want to go and gods knows i can't get by without him (and he can't get by any better without me) *sigh* I just want out.

Yay Gov. Money!

I got my FAFSA all filled out & filed last night, its a LOT easier when you don't have to fill out the all the bullshit info about your damn parents. Turns out i'm eligible for a Pell Grant, which means i should be able to cover all my tuition costs.
I'm applying to attend the College of Legal Arts to get my certification as a medical transcriptionist, should take about 6-10 months of classes. I have a meeting Tuesday afternoon with the dean & then financial aide to get all my paper work sorted, classes start in November, i'm so excited. I haven't been in school in 6 years, it will be nice.
Once i get certified & get a job i can start taking other classes through PCC or possibly even PSU and learn some other stuff i want to pick up (like Arabic & brushing up on my French & Spanish).

Love...

I love my partner Blaine very much, he's the most amazing person i could have ever hoped to meet & be with. We've been together for just over 4 years now, he takes care of me, he loves me & makes me feel needed.
unfortunately the events of this summer have complicated my relationship with him. Due to my prior abandonment issues & the fact that he didn't answer his phone when i called him after the accident made me feel more abandoned (and slightly resentful of the fact that he wasn't there when i needed him more than anything or anyone...there is nothing that can be done to change that fact or its effects and its something that has definitely made things more complicated).
then there is the fact that he really REALLY doesn't want to go/move out of Portland where as i REALLY REALLY do at this point (that may change over the course of the year, we'll see what happens) which complicates things further because if i still want to leave at the end of the year & he doesn't i'll likely end up feeling at least slightly resentful for staying and he will resent me if i make us move.
I wont let this unfortunate curve ball fate has thrown at us end our relationship, the one needs the other just as much as the other needs him, he keeps me safe & a roof over my head and i keep his life & affairs in order and out of chaos & disarray; a better matched pair of disfunctional souls there is not.

Oh Canada...No Canada?

With all thats happened to me since mid summer i've been feeling an inescapable urge to get away for a while. When this came up at the end of last week my partner sugested that perhaps we could move to Vancouver BC Canada, he could attend the med. school there (one he'd been considering anyway) and we could live in a pleasant environment with a fairly car free infrastructure. I am very keen on the idea.
Today, after a long & emotionally exhausting afternoon, he finally tells me that he isn't as fond of the idea of leaving Portland as he thought he would be and he wants to stay.
I am still quite keen on the idea of leaving, i may end up staying though and just relocating to somewhere else in town...at this point i feel i'd rather have a greater change in my scenery, i guess we'll see how the year progresses...

Meeting with the DA

went in and met with the DA about the trail for the murder i witnessed in July. Frankly he was a bit brash & i felt rather bullied and i came down & completely fell apart as i haven't been sleeping well (for obvious reasons) and i'm exhausted & over loaded and just generally not coping well with life at all.
once i finished falling apart i pulled myself back together & I am not sorting through my photos from this morning's outing to the farmer's market, i will post photos to share later.
I think next meeting i have with the DA i will arrange for my therapist to be there as well, i'm not letting him push my buttons like that again, i know sympathy doesn't come naturally to personality types like that but i deserve a bit more consideration...i wasn't all there to begin with, never have been, i was barely keeping my life together as it was and over the last year i had finally made some genuine progress toward becoming a more functional human being, then this asshole comes speeding down powell blvd on my way home one night, and in the process of killing one of my neighbors he snags the loos threads by which my life was precariously held together and pulls all the stitches out...my stuffins gone.

My Flickr Page

Link to my online photo portfolio hosted by Flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/41533655@N07/